No news is good news ...

Normally, I would agree with the old cliché that "No News Is Good News." But in the online dating world, no news means no one is looking at your profile. I wonder why? I have gotten only two views in the last 10 days so I'm starting to wonder what's going on. I think it's one of the following reasons:

1. I'm just too high maintenance and they think they need to maintain me (I am high maintenance but like I tell everyone, "I can maintain myself")
2. I'm ugly, old, not interesting, etc.
3. The guys are just lazy
4. Guys are dating less because it is taking a backseat to summer sports season
5. Everyone has recognized they are never going to be Mr. Perfect for me so they gave up
6.  I'm just too fabulous that it hurts their eyes to keep staring at the selfie photo of me hamming it up at the White House

   
   

   I mean I read the rules of setting up my online profile (i.e. I read a hilarious article on what not to do here: www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-your-online-dating-profile-isnt-working/)  and still nothing. Maybe its a combination of all six reasons?

    

I really am a great catch ...

"Being a leader is like being a lady. If you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't." Margaret Thatcher.
I love Mrs. Thatcher because she had a knack for putting things in ways normal, non-political people could understand.  Her quote is aptly applicable in online dating. In other words, if you have to tell people, "I'm a great guy/gal" then you probably aren't.

Think about it for a minute. If you are such a great catch, why are you still single? Great catches get swooped up pretty quickly. Great catches do not need to tell people they are great catches. Great catches get treated wonderfully. Great catches know they are great catches without having to say it.In fact, great catches don't really see themselves as "great catches" but normal, humble people.

Come on, be honest with us. Have you ever chatted with your girlfriends over a glass of wine and said, "I don't know why I can't find any decent men, I'm a great gal"? Oh, I'm sure you have. I've heard this from guys and gals.

OK, let's look at it from another angle. How many dates have you gone on in the past six months? 5, 10, 15, 20? And you were always a great catch and they were? Do you not see a common denominator here (i.e. you)?

I recently had a guy on a date tell me that he was a great catch and that he had lots of dates each month. I asked him what was wrong with him then if he hadn't been swooped up by Ms Right. He said (quite seriously might I add), "nothing's wrong with me." And, that is what's wrong with you, you conceited, clueless idiot.

I implore you ladies and gentlemen -- REALLY look at your profile on the dating website. If you say anything like "I'm a great guy/gal", delete it now! And for God's sake do not pull the old "my friends say I'm a great catch" BS. Even if your friends do say that its because they are your friends and they are trying to be supportive by not bringing you down and listing all your faults.  They know your faults and if they are really good friends (and you let them be brutally honest) they will tell you what your faults are so you can fix them. Better yet, get your friends to honestly tell you your faults so you can warn potential dates about them on your profile (e.g. my friend Mary tells me I am picky, a procrastinator and always late so I tell my dates that in advance. Thanks for being honest, Mary!).

He wore WHAT?!?!?

This is not the person I met for a date, but this is the fanny pack! Photo from the blog: http://thetiffingirl.blogspot.com/2013_04_01_archive.html

"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize," Olympia Dukakis' character (Clairee Belcher) in the movie, Steel Magnolias.


I had a date recently that absolutely made me rethink all of mankind if I take Clairee's statement to heart. I was chatting with a guy on the online dating website and we decided we should meet in person. We decided to meet at happy hour at a local Ritz Carlton bar. I do this for a few reasons:

1. I really like the atmosphere of most RC bars
2. It's not the kind of place where you will be fighting for a bar stool or pushing away the local drunk
3. It gives me a good idea of what a guy would look like "cleaned up". Yes, I need to do this because I go to a lot of high-class functions that require tuxes and suits. I need to know that my mate can clean up appropriately.

This guy shows up in khaki shorts, green T-shirt under a short sleeved yellow checkered button up shirt, brown beat up loafers and a black fanny pack. Yes, a FANNY PACK! Not only did he not match or take any pride in what he was wearing, he wore a theme park accessory you wear when you have been dating a person for a year or two (or married to them forever) and you don't have to worry about impressing them anymore.

Guys, please use the following to decide appropriate attire (at a minimum) for first date venues:

• RC, Four Seasons or other high-end establishment = Dark trousers, long sleeved button up shirt, clean/nice dress shoes (suit and tie are preferable)
• Chain restaurant or sports bar = Nice jeans or khakis, button up shirt or golf shirt, nice shoes
• Sporting events = Nice jeans, sports shirts (team logo baseball caps are acceptable for this occasion only), running/athletic shoes
• Coffee shops = Nice jeans, polo shirt and athletic shoes or loafers/boaters

At no time on a first date do we women want to see your knees in shorts or your un-pedicured feet in sandals (and no, socks with sandals does not help). Keep that stuff covered until at least the 2nd or 3rd date no matter how well maintained you are. Did you notice that the fanny pack was not mentioned at all? That's because it is never alright to wear one on a date!  Need a place to keep your wallet? Try your pocket.

Spenda Daddies & Sugar Daddies ...

I have friends who are on dating websites along with me (why do you want to go on this comical journey alone I ask you?) and some of their connections are almost as crazy as mine. In fact, my friend LadyRunner (that's the username I gave her, don't go trying to look it up online) just sent me a text with a convo between her and an interesting lad (let's just call him WBSD for reasons I'll reveal below). It goes something like this:

WBSD: You want something casual?
LadyRunner: No, that is not what I am looking for.
WBSD: How bout a sugar daddie?

Well, given that this dude couldn't use proper grammar or spell daddy I find it hard to believe he has the funds to actually BE a Sugar Daddy. So, what is he? He is a Splenda Daddy (i.e. a Wanna-Be-Sugar-Daddy, WBSD). The Urban Dictionary defines it as, "A man who strives to be a Sugar Daddy but just doesn't have the funds to pull it off." What's the difference you ask? Allow me to give examples of first dates with both:

Sugar Daddy -- Takes a lady (usually a lot younger -- hence the name "daddy" -- and a lot more good looking than he is) to a nice restaurant (at a bare minimum The Capital Grille) later in the evening in a very expensive car (current year model #BMW, #Mercedes, #Lamborghini, etc.) and lets her choose anything on the menu to include the most expensive bottle of wine and the brandy flambe  for  dessert. He gets extra sugar points for bringing her a little gift (a small Hermes neckerchief or quaint Tiffany's key chain perhaps). Then he takes her home and hopes to get a goodnight kiss (probably more) for his efforts.

Splenda Daddy -- Takes a lady to a mediocre chain restaurant (think Applebees, Chilis, or TGIFridays) during happy hour in his late model #Lexus or #Cadillac and urges her to split the couple's special with him (making sure to split each of the three courses right down the middle -- appetizer, entree and dessert only $29.99). He wouldn't dream of letting her pay the check ... this time. As a gift, he might bring her gas station, cellophane wrapped flowers. He still tries to get lucky after the date.

Now there is nothing wrong with the second date I described above. The only reason I consider it a Splenda Daddy date is because the tool of a guy acted like he was wining and dining a gal instead of just taking her out to get to know her. A decent guy takes a lady out to a place he can afford just to spend time with her. He turns into a Splenda Daddy when he takes a lady to a place he can afford and pretends he is doing her some grandiose favor! On the opposite side, there is nothing wrong with the first date mentioned either except for the fact that the guy obviously wants to impress the young lady and be seen as a stud and is willing to pay the price for such things. See the difference?

So guys, if a girl needs a Sugar Daddy and you don't have the means to be one, chalk that up as a dodged bullet and money in your pocket. In other words, LET HER GO!

Ladies, if a guy treats you like he's doing you a favor by spending money on you (regardless of how much) instead of like you deserve it, LET HIM GO! Sugar and Splenda are bad for our digestive systems anyway. Let's go for something like a Stevia or Honey Daddy instead -- all natural :-)

Baby you can drive my car ...

This is where I usually sit in my car -- the driver's seat.

Rant of the week. What is it about men taking selfies of themselves in the car and using that photo as their main profile picture? I get about 10-12 daily matches on my dating websites and at least half of the profile photos are of men in cars. I've come to the conclusion that men who show these photos do so for one of 5 reasons:

1. They just want to show me they are responsible enough to drive (doesn't mean they are good drivers just that they are smart enough to get a license) a motor vehicle
2. They want everyone to know they can afford a vehicle (or maybe they just borrowed their friend's car)
3. They work out of their cars and this is the most realistic photo of their life
4. They can't be bothered to step out of their car and get a creative shot in front of a nicer background
5. They love their (insert expensive car brand here) so much that they want you to be impressed by it

Whatever the reason guys, here's a tip. We ladies don't mind if you have a car selfie but for the love of God don't make it your main profile picture. And for the record, taking a selfie of yourself in your car (in the same clothes) at 4 different angles isn't what we want to see either! 

I'm not Demi or Catherine ...

There is a reason it's been three weeks since I posted a blog ... nothing NEW has happened.

If you've read any of my posts you'd know that I have a certain set of criteria I am looking for in a date -- specifically the following: college educated, well-employed male between the ages of 39-49 within a certain income bracket. I'm not as picky when it comes to ethnicity, religion, astrological sign or political view.

For weeks I've been getting winks and e-mails from 25 and 60 year olds. While I admire Demi Moore and Catherine Zeta-Jones for dating (and marrying) guys half their age or twice their age, I am not of the same mindset. Look, I have a rule about the age of my soulmate: he has to be old enough to be my baby daddy (my child is 18 so you need to be at least 36) and young enough to where when we go out, people don't think you are my dad.

This has been the circumstance for weeks so I didn't want to bore you with story after story of me letting guys down easy who were out of my age range. I will be narrowing my age range in my profile to see if I can attract more of the age I desire (no disrespect to Demi or Catherine of course).

You get what you pay for ...

$$$$$$$

If you read my other blog posts, you know that people can see when you look at their profile. But there is a way to avoid them knowing. Of course, you have to pay for that privacy privilege. Oh no, that $200+ a year subscription you pay for when you sign onto a dating site is just the basics to get you in the door. My momma always said, "you get what you pay for" and "nothing in this life is free."

I know there are free dating sites out there but would you really trust them to produce quality people? Maybe, but I'm looking for my soulmate and he better not be stingy with money! I mean, think about it. If I meet a guy who is too cheap to spend a few hundred bucks a year to meet me, how cheap is he going to be on a first date?

Anyway, back to the online dating site add-ons (or up-selling as they call it in the marketing world). I don't' see why you need these if you are genuinely out there searching. There are plenty of options to choose from depending on the site you use:


Privacy -- If you don't want them to see when you have looked at them. Seriously. what are we, elementary school children? So what if they see that I viewed their profile, isn't that the point of online dating? Are you in the witness protection program or running from the law so you don't want me to see you? Well, then I don' t want you anyway, you aren't that special and all women are not stalkers.
Top of the search -- If a guy is "searching" for Ms. Right then why do I need this? Isn't he searching enough to scroll down the "matches" for 5-10 people to find me? Do I have to be right in his face upon turning on his phone and logging into his account for him to find me? He probably isn't very good at the game hide-n-seek either!
Read receipt -- Don't rush me dude, I will read that e-mail when I get to it. I don't need to pay some service fee to see when a guy opens my e-mail to him. If he never responds, that's a pretty good indication he isn't interested, huh?
Secure call -- If I have never met a guy, why do I want to have my first conversation with him over some covert phone line? This isn't the cold war and we aren't spies with burner phones.
Identification authentication -- Oh please, a really good catfisher could hack this feature with a little persistence and a fake ID. I am who I say I am and that's all I worry about.
Profile writing service -- Honestly, if a guy can't write his own profile, I don't want him. Take the time write about yourself and check your grammar -- its not that hard!