Your pet dragon makes me nervous ...

Graphic thanks to Webweaver

I have come to the conclusion that women take online dating much more seriously than men do. Just an observation and, of course, solely my opinion (although I do hope other women agree with me in part) but it just feels like the guys are treating the initial phase of online dating (the searching of the database of potential matches) as a "warm up practice." Let me tell you a few things that shaped that opinion after about 6 months of online dating on three different dating sites:

1) Photos -- About 1/3 of the men in my "matched specifically for me" section don't have photos. So guys let me ask you this? If someone tried to sell you a car for $25,000 and gave you a glowing, fabulous description of it but when asked if you could see a photo of it were told, "oh, I am not good with technology so I can't give you a photo, you just have to trust me." Would you buy it? Yeah, we aren't buying the fact that you don't know how to take photos of yourself either. Three problems come from this: 1) You really aren't smart enough to figure out how to take and download a photo of yourself; 2) You can't afford a phone with a camera; or 3) You don't care enough to go to the trouble of posting a photo. Either one of these three reasons is enough for me to say "no thank you" to you.
2) Skipping vital info -- Why would you skip the question about pets? Giving me the "I'll tell you later" answer only makes us women nervous. Are you afraid to tell me you have a baby dragon?! Trust me, if you have a snake or some other exotic pet you think we would be scared off by, let us decide before we invest time with you. I don't care how hot you are if you have a 5-foot long king cobra (I'm talking about the reptile, get your mind out of the gutter), I'm not dating you. Same goes for occupation and income. I'm not going to be a sugar mama no matter how gorgeous and wonderful you are.
3) Text talk -- If I am your good friend and we are finalizing where to meet for drinks after work, I might use terms like OMG, SMH, LOL, IMHO, 1337. But you are not going to make a good first impression with a mature, sophisticated woman by using acronyms and text talk in your initial correspondence. I am not your friend at this point, I am your potential date or mate. Show some decorum dude! I told a guy this once and he told me I was too-old fashioned. Yes, I am old fashioned ... I like doors held for me, chairs pulled out for me, men to act gentlemanly. So, I guess I want an old fashioned man too. If I wanted to date a boy who uses text talk, I would be a cougar and go for those 20 years younger. So you are probably wondering what the problem is with a 45-55 year old man using text talk? Apparently they don't know their age and I ain't got time to teach it to them! I've already reared one man child, I'm not rearing another one.

Of course there are the exceptions and this blog is not directed at them but for the majority, the above applies. It just seems that the majority of the men think that the photos and profile they post are a "warm up" and that the first impression is really the in-person date. Sweetie, you were on stage the first second your profile popped up in the system. There is no warm up, no practicing, no dress rehearsals!

There is no perfect formula ...

I talk to some of my female friends who have used online dating sites before and each has their own little system for meeting and getting to know men online. One uses this formula in this exact order (and God help the guy who doesn't follow the proper order of things):

1. He "likes" me
2. I "like" him
3. He "winks" and me
4. I "wink" at him
5. He messages me
6. I reply 
7. He has to ask me to meet in person first

Of course I have other friends who say they don't have time for all that mess so they e-mail a guy they think looks good immediately skipping all that hullabaloo liking and winking and waiting. And to all the guys who like or wink that they don't like? They ignore them.

I'm kind of in the middle of those two. If I like the way a guy looks, I like (since I'm not a big fan of the wink) or smile at him. To me, a wink is similar to an innuendo for intimacy and I don't know you that well yet :-)

I always answer an e-mail even if its to say I am not interested. I mean, the guy went out on a limb to message me and didn't bother with the wink or like, he deserves a response for his gutsy-ness. I don't always e-mail a man I'm interested in first without "liking" something about his photos or profile but when I do, you know his profile or photos were pretty darned good!

Bottom line is (I'm saying this to the guys), we gals all have a different way to show our interest (or disinterest). We don't always wink back or "like" you back or respond to your message immediately. Some ladies don't respond at all if they are not interested and some will respond with a polite "no thank you". But here are a few rules of thumb to remember (good use for men and women):

• If a person has been "online" within the past 24 hours and has not responded to your wink, like, smile or message that you sent 3 days ago, they are probably not interested. It's not shampoo, do not rinse and repeat (i.e. send another wink, like, smile, e-mail). It's simple, they don't like you so they are ignoring you., just prentend like you are ignoring them back.
•  If a person e-mails you without doing all the winking, smiling, liking, etc. first or in a particular order, it doesn't mean they are "ignoring the rules" and should be written off altogether. It probably means they just don't want to fiddle with the small stuff.  You should take it as a compliment that they find you so intriguing that they want to get to know you immediately.
• Silence is not always golden. Respond to a message even if its to let them down easy. Just think of how you would feel if you were in a crowded room and you spoke to someone and they ignored you. Same, same.
• If someone ignores you or responds with a "no thank you" or "I don't' think we are compatible" or any other form of rejection (yes, its rejection, you will get rejected, deal with it), drop it an move on. As my sister says (jokingly of course but some truth to it), there are plenty of other fish in the toilet. No, they won't change their minds, no they are not joking with you, no they won't meet you and realize they couldn't live another day without you. Constantly sending smiles, winks, likes and messages will make you look clingy and needy and if they didn't like you enough before, they certainly won't like you now.

The game of love ...

I had an interesting week at the online dating site. I got a wink from a man we will just nickname "Jerky123" because I don't want to give away his profile name ( it's much cooler to talk about him behind his back right? that is sarcasm). He sent it late at night and I didn't respond until the morning -- I generally only check my dating profile for about 15-20 minutes at night so he was lucky I had 10 extra minutes that morning and decided to go online instead of get an extra 10 minutes of shut eye.

Contrary to popular belief, everyone who is on an online dating site is not sitting there waiting for the "you've got mail" beep 24/7. Sure, there are some who are online all day or on their mobile app of the site and are always available but those kind of people freak me out. Jerky 123 was one of those.

So, the interaction with Jerky123 started innocent enough I thought. He sent the typical "hi" e-mail within 30 seconds of my wink back. At 6:05 a.m., I sent a "Hello, how are you? I'm off to work. Have a great day" e-mail back then shut the computer off and headed to work. What ensued in the 12 hours afterward (you know, where I commuted to work, worked a full day with a half hour lunch, commuted back home, cooked dinner for kids, fed/walked the dog, did laundry, etc. -- really just LIFE) was comical to say the least. I'll paraphrase the conversation. Well, it really wasn't a conversation so much as Jerky123 talking at me:

My last e-mail: Hello, how are you? I'm off to work. Have a great day.
Jerky123: I'm great. How are you?
Jerky123: (resent last message)
Jerky123: What, you don't want to talk?
Jerky123: Where are you?
Jerky123: My name is ...
Jerky123:What is your name?
Jerky123:How long have you lived in DC?
Jerky123: Did I say something wrong? Why the radio silence?
Jerky123: Hello?
Jerky123: Well, I guess you don't want to talk to me afterall.
Jerky123:Who do you think you are?
Jerky123: I guess you just like playing mind games!
Jerky123: Well, I don't play games. Bye.

I actually sent him an e-mail explaining that I was at work all day and that I didn't appreciate being accused of playing games. WOW, big mistake. That created another e-mail tyraid that I just ignored.

Bottom line -- guys, do you want a needy woman who is looking for a sugar daddy to support her? Well, those are the ones who will be available to answer your trivial questions all day long, hang on every word you say and reply back within 1 minute of your last text. As for the real women who want a man to compliment their lives and not "complete" them, well we will be at WORK, working. We will treat you like everything else in our lives, we will pencil you in and try to make time for you between kids, work, pets, house, bills, errands, friends, family, taxes, homework, cooking, workout, car repairs, etc. ... . That's not playing games, that's life. Now, go out there and get one!
 

Momma taught me to "use my words" ...

I'm back from my holiday dating sabbatical and boy did I need a break! I came back to a few dozen e-mails, winks, views, etc. from men who CLEARLY are not what I am looking for. Seriously guys, why do you get upset if I don't e-mail you back when you are DEFINITELY not what I state I want in my profile? Let me be clear about a few things ladies and gentlemen. I mean it when I say I want someone:

• Between a certain age (let's say 35-45). Don't misunderstand me, I've been known to give a 33 year old a second glance -- ok, maybe I'm a little bit of a cougar -- or a 47 year old a date but as a 40-something I have nothing in common with a 55 year old nor a 25 year old. To win a date with me, you have to be at least old enough to pass as my college-age kid's dad or young enough not to eat off the special pensioner's menu at restaurants. The people who say they are looking for someone between the ages of 21-85 are just desperate. I am not THAT desperate, yet :-) Again, don't get upset if you fall into the too-old- or too-young-for-me groups. I love all people and have great friendships with practically anyone, I just don't want to DATE everyone.
• A certain height, body build, ethnicity, etc. No, I'm not being racist, nor am I hating on anyone if they are too skinny, heavy, tall, short, hairy (or not), bearded, tattooed, pierced, etc. I just know what I am attracted to when it comes to outwardly appearances and you do too. Why would I waste my time saying I am looking for "any" person when I know I am looking for that someone special?
• With the same educational background as me. I really don't care where you went to college (unless its one of those really freaky naked-underwater-basketweaving-is-a-major kind of colleges) but I know what I am more compatible with and that is someone with a similar educational background. I would absolutely LOVE to meet a sexy Matt Damon look-a-like who didn't have the means to attend Harvard but who is so intelligent he can carry on a fantastic conversation with me. But, what are the mathematical odds of that happening in real life on an online dating site? Yeah, I don't think Matt Damon's character in Good Will Hunting could work that one out on the blackboard while mopping the floors either! 
• Who works! I can relate to people who work and earn about the same as me. I cannot relate to those who are still finding their calling at 50 and returning to school for a 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc.  associates or bachelors degree. That is called a professional student and you cannot afford me if you are a professional student even if you are a trust fund baby (in that case, your trust fund could afford me lol). I also don't relate well to people who are retired and "relax" (their words, not mine) all day. That freaks me out because they are usually the ones who text 100 times a day because they are bored (hint, go back to work!) and get mad when I don't return texts within 30 seconds (I'm working!). Also, I understand if you are between jobs or job hunting right now - I will cheer you on and wish you luck. But if you are hunting for a job and girlfriend at the same time, you probably have your priorities a little whacked and you need to focus on one or the other (probably the job first so you can take the new girlfriend out).

So, my fellow online daters, let's turn over a new leaf this new year and do something very refreshing, might I say, yes, a little unconventional in the online dating world -- READ. Yes, we all learned to do it in kindergarten and a lot of us spent 12+ years learning bigger and better written words so we can express what we like and what we DON'T. Go on, read those profiles and heed the wants of others (i.e. stop trying to make the other person feel uncomfortable by forcing yourself on them, it's annoying).