Dating detective ...

I like to text just as much as the next gal but I don't want to text for hours and hours on end with a guy I just met. I made the mistake of giving my phone number to a new dating partner ONCE. He would text me every hour and send me loads of videos, photos, links, etc. and get mad when I didn't respond immediately (he was a trust fund baby so he had loads of time to text all day whereas I have a full time job). At first, I liked the attention but after about a day, it was annoying! Dude, I don't have time to text you every other hour, I got things to do today! I tell you this because I have gotten several requests from men at the online dating site to give my phone number so we can text. Um, no. First of all, I'll meet you face to face first -- I might not like you once I meet you in person so what's the point in me texting you. Second, are you so pitiful that you can't put a voice to your profile photos (i.e. phone me and talk to me instead of texting me)? Are you afraid I'll discover your voice is kind of like the kids in the Vienna Boys Choir and hasn't changed yet? Finally, and here is the real reason why many of these guys want to text or e-mail you, there are the scammers. Yes, they are out there. I have gotten four notifications by the online dating service I am on currently warning me about certain members who had contacted me that were not who they said they were. And the funny thing is the dating service said I should be in no danger now because: 1) they have removed these profiles; and 2) as long as I didn't give them bank account information or other personal info, I should be safe. WHAT?!?!!? Who in the hell would give a complete stranger (an electronic one they have never set eyes on) their bank account info? Apparently, it happens (i.e. the other person says they don't have the money to make the trip to meet them face to face so the vulnerable person wires them money). Well, I'm really skeptical now more than ever so I've sort of become this online dating sleuth who seeks out scammers on the site. It's almost as fun as writing this blog. I've spotted two already and gotten thank you notes from the dating service. Here are a few ways to spot them:

•  They have a perfectly written profile but when you start exchanging e-mails their English is always choppy like English is their second language or they use text talk
• They use vague terms for their occupation (e.g. civil engineer covers a plethora of jobs as does technician) and they won't go into details when you ask them what they do
• They don't talk about their families -- when you ask them if they have children they say they would rather learn more about you
• They choose vague cities as their residences -- New York, Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago -- instead of listing their actual cities (e.g. Millersville, Greggtown, etc.) 
• They immediately want to use a different form of correspondence than the online dating service e-mail system because they say it's easier
• They don't upload a photo and don't send you one when you ask for it
• They never want to talk on the phone (if you give them your number) they just want to text

I'm not saying a person who does one of these is definitely a scammer but if he/she does two or more, its a pretty safe bet they are not who they claim to be or they are out to scam you (or at the very least, they aren't serious about dating you, just playing games with you and who has time for that?). So, there you have it, the online dating web-waves are safer because of me. You are welcome! :-)

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Who's on first?

I like an honest guy. I like a guy who can open up to me and be comfortable talking to me. There is such a thing as being too comfortable though. I do not like guys who open up to me on the first e-mail exchange to tell me they really like me and would like a relationship with me, going into detail about how we are a perfect match and how we are soul mates. That is just freaky! But what is even freakier  is a guy who calls me pet names on the initial e-mail. Sir, kindly scroll up to the top of the page and at least use my profile name when addressing me for the first time. Here are some of my favorites and how I feel about them (they range from non-threatening but annoying to just absurd):

• "Hello beautiful, how are you?" -- I know I'm beautiful, I don't need to be told by a complete stranger who is judging me on a handful of photos that I am attractive.
• "Hi queen, your photos are great." -- Yes, there is a reason my photos are great and its because I spent time and effort taking photos that show me at my best. I didn't just slap up my senior prom picture from 20-ish years ago or a selfie I took in my kitchen. And what is with calling me "queen"? Do I look like Queen Elizabeth?!?! Although she looks pretty good for her age :-)
• "Hey girl, you are sexy." -- The word 'girl' and 'sexy' should never go together in a sentence EVER or else you look like a pedophile. I am a woman, not a girl, hear me roar!
• "hey sexy, hows ur day?" -- Sexy is an adjective, not a proper noun. And don't get me started on proper English and text talk. I immediately delete any e-mails from men (I use that term loosely) who can't be bothered to spell out a few words when greeting me for the first time. 
• "Hi sweetie, I've been looking for you." -- This is the uber creepiest of creepy intros. It sounds like you are Hannibal Lector who is getting ready to slice me open and eat my liver.
• "hey baby, whats up what ur # want to chat?" -- Beam me up Scotty, there are no intelligent life forms on this online dating site. 

Yes, I deleted all of these without responding. If you can't respect me enough to put some time and effort into making a good first impression, you don't deserve a response. For the love of God, at least just say "Hello" and wait for me to respond! Bottom line, whatever your best guy friend told you to say because he said "that's what women want to hear," please just ignore his advice. Instead, use the below initial e-mail sample:

Hello INSERT PROFILE NAME HERE, 
I enjoyed reading your profile and would like to get to know you better. Please respond if you are interested.
Best regards,
INSERT YOUR REAL FIRST NAME

Next week, we will talk about responses and what to do (and what not to do) when someone doesn't respond to your e-mail.  Or worse, says they are not interested -- yes, it happens, prepare yourself.

A picture says 1,000 words (sometimes not very good words!)

Thanks to the FaceBook page, Code Red, for the fabulous find of this single guy. Yes, there is a reason he is single ...

In my first two weeks of online dating I have sorted my "matches" into the following categories:

1. Mr. Rich and Important: Just because you took a photo in a suit and tie in front of Louis Vuitton does not mean you will go in said store and buy me something from Mr. LV. And just because you are holding a champagne flute (probably at your best friend's wedding) does not mean you are going to treat me to fine dining every date.
2. Mr. Ballcap: If you are wearing a baseball cap in every photo I deduce that it means one of two things: a) you are lying to yourself -- and me -- that you are not balding -- I have nothing against bald guys, just don't lie about it; or b) you have absolutely no idea how to dress up without a ballcap so taking you to a nice restaurant or a fundraising gala are out of the question -- neither of those two options work for me
3. Mr. Share-the-Spotlight:  I think I speak for all ladies when I say we can read in your profile that you love your dog/cat/big fish catch/car/motorcycle/boat/etc. and do not need to see all 25 allowable photos of you on match.com consumed with your pets and automotives
4. Mr. Friendless: Selfies are great but if all your photos are taken only by you, it makes us women start to wonder if you have friends. And if you don't have friends who can snap a photo every now and then (heck, even get your sister or kid to take a photo) we wonder if you are going to spend every second of your day stalking us because you have nothing better to do
5. Mr. Dad-Bod: Trust me when I say that most women know you have a dad-bod, we don't need to see your beer gut in a photo with your shirt off. But kudos for being brave enough to put it out there publicly. Bottom line, if you don't look EXACTLY like Magic Mike with your shirt off, we don't want to see it. Remember guys, we women show these photos to our other girlfriends when we find a good catch so do you really want your photos being laughed at because your perception is completely off?   We are fine with dad-bods, we just don't want to see them on match.com
6. Mr. Sports Fanatic: I know you love the your pro football team or your alma mater basketball team but save that sports team pride for after we've had a few dates. Here is a tip, rare is the woman who wants to go out to a basketball game on a first date (there are some who do, but very few and far between). If you wear your college team colors or, even worse, a Green Bay Packers cheesehead in every photo, we women tend to think that is all you will do (i.e. take us on "sports dates")
7. Mr. Back-to-the-Future: Yeah, we can tell that photo of you looking hot and studly was taken in 1995. How you may ask? Well, the velvet Elvis panting behind you or your mom's coke-bottle glasses kind of give it away. I would take a Mr. Friendless and his selfies over this guy, at least his photos are up-to-date!
8. Mr. Bond, James Bond: If you have a sexy girl in the photo with you, you better identify her as your sister or other non-threatening woman in your life or we will just pass you by because we are not impressed by your sexual prowess or ability to get hot women to stand by you. But on the same note, we can figure out some hot women you are photographed with (i.e. we women can tell if it's a NYC Rockette, which is cool, or the stripper at the local gentleman's club, which is not cool)
9. Mr. Mom: We love seeing pictures of dads with their kids but sometimes we want to see just you in at least one of the photos
10. Mr. No Photo: This is the worst! If you can't be bothered to post a photo (even a, God forbid, selfie) then tell me why I should just trust you when you say you are a good looking man? Well, two can play that game so you will just have to trust me that I am a 36-24-34 blonde, 5-foot/8-inches Barbie doll with green eyes, tan skin and a trust fund

In the beginning, there was a dating site ...

A few friends of mine told me they had great luck with online dating. Hmmm, I never have but thought about it long and hard for a few weeks and just last week thought "what the hell". So, I jumped in feet first and signed up for  an account with one of the more obscure  dating websites. Why? Well, for a few reasons:

1. I'm not getting any younger
2. I'm pretty technically savvy, how hard can this be?
3. I'm a busy woman, why not let someone else (or something else -- a system of algorithms) sift through my potential soulmates lol
4. It could be fun, or at least comical (better than spending $15 to go see one movie)
5. Thousands of other people are doing it successfully
6. It makes great blogging stories :-)

Well, not one to be shy, I decided it was going to be a no-holds-barred profile. The guys looking at my profile would KNOW what they were getting into. So here is what it says (in a nutshell):

• My REAL height and weight (no seriously, I weigh myself every week and update as necessary)
• What I am really looking for in a man -- none of that basic love, communication, humor, handsome bullshit -- real stuff like (but not limited to):
•  A guy who is secure in his masculinity to hold my purse while I shop
• Someone who takes me to tablecloth and silverware restaurants at least twice a year
• A dude who can speak his mind and not be afraid for me to speak mine
• Someone with healthy self esteem (I already raised a child, I ain't raising another one)
• Someone with a good job, goals, ambitions and has sorted out his retirement funding
• Must be able to tell the difference between soup and tea spoons -- basic etiquette
•  Actually knows how to tie a tie and can wear one with a suit he owns 
• has read at least one classic novel in the past 3 years
• Must NOT want me to bear children in the future! There's a reason I have only one child.
• My honest dislikes:
• No farting, burping, grunting or other rude noises in public
• Lives to hunt/fish/bike etc
• Wants to make me hunt/fish/bike/camp or otherwise do any outdoors activities
• Spends more time at sporting events or talking about sports than talking to me
• Is cheap/frugal
• Is a work-a-holic
• Egotistical, conceited, narcissistic -- there is only one demi-god in this relationship and I am it :-)
• Rude, unkind (to humans and/or animals), ignorant, irrational, ill-mannered people
• Icky teeth and hygiene
• Unhealthy people who don't care about their fitness
•  I uploaded 7 photos of me taken in the last 6-10 month

With my criteria set for men in any state between the ages of 40-50, let's see what the system comes up with. I'm hoping for the best but prepared for the worst!