Flicking a booger and running ...

I like it when a guy starts a conversation with me. It makes me feel like I warranted special attention for him to seek me out and talk to me.

 

Conversations starter examples:

• Hello. I like your photos. My name is Joe. What is yours?
• Hi, I know a great place that makes the perfect daiquiri. Want to go? Joe
• Hey, I'm Joe, and your profile was really funny. 

However, I do not like it when guys waste my time by sending me an e-mail with one word as if to "poke" me -- I call it flicking a booger and running (kind of like a little boy would do in kindergarten if he really liked a girl, he would be mean to her). Here are examples:

• Hey
• Wow
• Awesome
• s'up?
• Hi
• Hello
• Hot!
• Chat?

 

Do not poke me! If you want to start a conversation with me in a way that will make me want to communicate with you and possibly go out with you, you have to put some effort into it. One word pokes are lazy and indicative of how you will be in the rest of the relationship (i.e. LAZY!). That flick-a-one-word-e-mail trick might work with other women but it doesn't work for the intelligent ones like me. When you send me those stupid one word pokes I instantly put you in the "too lazy to bother with" folder and discard your profile. My good friend and online dating confidant (we'll just call her Goldilocks because she has fabulous long golden hair like a Barbie doll) actually kept the above screenshots of her lazy guys trying to start a conversation. Yes, Goldilocks and I showed them to our girlfriends. Yes, Goldilocks and I laughed at them. And, yes, Goldilocks and I deleted you. If you can't take the time to come up with something genuine and original to show me you are truly interested in starting a conversation with me, then I don't even give you the time of day to respond. So, advice of the day, lazy guys, go put on your big boy trousers, load the dictionary/thesaurus app onto your mobile phone and try making a coherent sentence in e-mail format before trying to start conversation with intelligent women on the dating website.

Save the crazy for date #2 ...

I love a guy who is honest and forthright. On the flip side, I also like keeping some skeletons in your closet for the sake of being mysterious. But there is a fine line between being honest and being a freak! And sometimes in the online dating world, you get the crazy right out of the starting gate, which is probably not a bad thing -- that way you can block the crazies before the stalking begins. Some of the doozies told to me BEFORE the second date (paraphrased of course):

• I'm on some seriously good meds.
• I am manic depressive, bi-polar. What is your disease?*
• So, you like BJ's? I need them. A lot. 
• I am really into hard porn.
• I drink excessively, like every night.
• You have the cutest [insert designer name] shoes in that photo. What size do you wear?
• You are fat but I still want to #$*% you. 
• I can't do a date Thursday because I have a full-body waxing but I can do Tuesday. 
• I don't believe in going to the dentist/doctor.
• I never wear sandals because I have severe athletes foot. It's really gross, want to see?

WTH! Why in the world would you think it is alright to mention these things before or during a first date? You have got to be a special kind of crazy to mention stuff like this before you put a ring on it.  So, weekly advice guys and gals -- save the crazy talk for date #2. Show all your good qualities and your good side first.

* Editor's note: I have nothing against dating a guy who is under medical supervision for an illness. This guy was actually kind of cool and I'm sure he was using his diagnosis as a lighthearted icebreaker. Unfortunately, I'm was not at a time in my life where I could be the sane one for both of us and he was really nice about accepting my response (yes, we are still friends).

I hate football ...

It's been a rather slow week this week what with the lead up to #SuperBowl50 yesterday. So, instead of watching  men in tight pants run around the field, I decided to evaluate myself in tight pants (i.e. re-read my online dating profile -- you know, just to see if I needed to spruce it up a bit). To my delight, I liked my profile just as much now as I did when I started it about 5 months ago. Here are a few of my favorite things about my profile:

Honesty: I don't like sports. I'm not going to lie and tell guys I do just to get them to look at my profile. I don't care about it and if that scares men off, then they aren't the kind of men I want in my life anyway. I like fashion and I like shopping. I will not hide that info for fear of guys not wanting to go shopping with me. Like I say in my profile, I don't care if you go hang out with the boys and watch/play sports, just don't make me go with you and I won't make you go shopping with me. Deal?

Humor: I use this very sparingly because people have different types of humor and oftentimes funny things said are lost in the verbiage of the text. For really good humor you have to see the person, their facial expressions. People who try to be funny and then end with smiley faces or "lol" need to save the humor for in-person.

Fact: Yes, I said my exact height and body type. I am not and have not been a size 2 for a long time so why would I tell anyone I'm "slim" or athletic and toned? I say I am "average" because according to the Center for Disease Control the average woman in the US is 5.4 and 166 pounds. I'm taller and weigh less so I'm average. I like knowing there is "proof" to my average-ness, thanks CDC.