Yakkity Yak ... Don't talk back!

I have an interesting topic today ... rejection. I'm generally diplomatic when I need to be. So, if I get contacted by a guy whose photo or profile just does not appeal to me, I'm gracious enough to say "no thank you" immediately. No need to waste his or my time with pleasantries if I'm not interested. I don't go into a long explanation or say I don't like his photo or profile, I simply say "no thank you".

But more often than not, when I say "no thank you" I get a barrage of comments in return:
Why not?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
Don't you just want to meet and see?

No means no, guys. It is rejection and it is normal! There could be any reason why your photo doesn't appeal to me or your profile doesn't seem like a match. Some examples: No, I don't want to go hunting and fishing with you every weekend; yes, I expect you to take off your baseball cap indoors; no, I don't like men with beards; or yes, I need a man who has a job.

Recently I had a guy who said hello to me online. He had no photo on his profile so I asked for one since his profile sounded nice. He said he was athletic and toned but his photo said something completely different! When he uploaded the photo and proceeded to plan a date with me, I politely said no thank you. I must have gotten a dozen e-mails afterward asking what was my problem, who did I think I was, I wasn't anything special to look at either, etc. etc. Dude, I just didn't like your photo. No, I'm not going to like you any more if we meet in person. In fact, I usually like guys a lot less when I meet in person because the photo they upload is supposed to show you in a great light. Reality is usually less flattering :-)

We are not in grade school. Take your rejection like a man (or like a woman) and remember that life ain't fair. Just because you like a person online does not mean they like you back. Be an adult enough to take that person's "no thank you" as a gift (they didn't waste your time by leading you on) and move on to the next person who might reciprocate your "like".

Decoding online dating talk ...

I've been on the online dating sites long enough to know how to decode the majority of guy talk for the following words. So, when a guy says these words ladies, here's what he might mean (well, most of the time for most of the guys I have been in contact with -- of course there are exceptions to every rule). "You" means the woman and "I" means the guy is saying the definition.

• Fun-loving = You need to have fun doing the stupid things I like to do (e.g. sports, hunting, car shows, firing range)
• Serious about life = You must be willing and able to get off the couch and you do not plan your life around reality TV shows
• Good sense of humor = You must laugh at anything I think is funny for example, all Adam Sandler movies, the Three Stooges, my finger in my nose dinner trick, etc.
• Romantic = Actually means when I am romantic toward you (flowers, candles, bubble baths) then you have to gush and fawn over my efforts then give me lots of sex.
• Intimate = Sex
• Good conversation = I want to talk about the things I want to talk about and if you don't like those topics you are not a good conversationalist
• Adventurous = Willing to go hunting with me and skin the deer once I've killed it. Or, willing to carry your own pack when we go hiking. This could also mean sexually adventurous.
• Simple = If I say "I'm simple" I'm really trying to say I don't like a lot of clutter and junk around me. If I say "I like the simple things in life" it usually means I'm a cheapskate
• Trustworthy or honest = I've been burned by lying bitches and if you lie to me once, I'm outta here. In fact, that is why I am here, I just divorced a lying bitch
• Loyal = See "trustworthy" definition above. I'm here because either I wasn't loyal to my last girlfriend or she wasn't loyal to me. Could also be code for I'm a one-person-at-a-time dater and I'm going to absolutely go postal if I see your match.com profile still active after we've gone on two dates

Of course, this is just the start of the list so if you can think of any more to help women decode the online dating man talk (or vice versa, help men decode the women's online dating talk) feel free to leave them in a comment. 

Gone fishin' ...

I got catfished! I was waiting for it to happen. In fact, I kind of brought it on myself just to see if I could get anyone to catfish me. I know I usually write about the funny side of online dating but this time, it's serious. My usual "Fish Called Wanda" style of writing is being kidnapped this week for "Catfish Candid Camera".


Catfishing has been around a long time (old scam, new name) and is when a person purposefully misrepresents themselves. For example, a guy in Nigeria steals some Facebook photos of a good looking guy in the United States and passes himself off as that person to the women on the online dating site.


Unfortunately, catfishing has become so popular that there was an MTV show called Catfish which was actually based off a movie called Catfish -- all about the same topic!  Also unfortunate is the fact that online daters have to be twice as vigilant about catfishing scams than they did 5-10 years ago. In fact, even the military is affected -- find a great article by the US Army on it here. Sadly, military members are being used as "bait" in catfishing scams (their photos of them in uniform are being used to solicit money and emotions from lonely yet patriotic, supportive online daters).


But why does a person "catfish"? Primarily it's to scam people out of money but sometimes it can just be for the fun of it. One story was about a scammer (female) who was so depressed she made up fake identities to get the attention she wanted/needed. Sad, but believable.


So, back to my catfish saga:

1. Red Flag (RF) #1 -- I got a lovely e-mail from a very handsome man named Jason (note: not all guys named Jason on dating sites are scammers -- just needed to clarify that) who claimed to be 48 but looked 28. It looked fishy but I though, "I'll play along."
2. RF#2 -- This guy started out by writing me short conversational e-mails, then by the fourth e-mail they were novels about everything from his last surgery to his childhood trauma.
3. RF#3 -- Then, he said it was too difficult for him to converse over this e-mail system (the dating site's system that is) and wanted to text instead so he gave me his cell phone number. Of course, I'm thinking, "typing versus texting" they are both the same. OK, I'll still play along although at this point it was all really just a game to me too since I was waiting for him (or her) to slip up big time. I told him I didn't give my number to men I didn't meet in person first.
4. RF#4 -- In response to RF#3, he said, "But, I'm in the military stationed over in Iraq, you can trust me." Of course I'm thinking, "buddy, the last two times I trusted a guy I ended up pregnant and with a car payment I couldn't afford. So, I said thanks but no thanks and wished him luck.
5. RF#5 -- Then the questions came raining down: Why didn't I support the American military, why couldn't I trust a man, who hurt me so badly, blah, blah, blah.  Well, I was bored by this point so I just said (AFTER I reported him to the online dating site's security team), "Dude you are possibly the WORST catfisher I have ever met.  You need to up your game!"

Of course, this experience made me want to fish for the catfishers so I'm "gone fishin" ...

So, what are you wearing?

EDITOR'S NOTE: I started thinking maybe I need to get another perspective on this online dating thing so I asked my stylish friend (nicknamed Charming Diplomat, CD for short, because she is charming and she is diplomatic, much more so than I lol) to help me blog about an event we went to last week hosted by an online dating site.

Charming Diplomat said:
At 45, I don’t go out as much as I used to.  So when I got an invitation to attend an event at the Rooftop Bar in Arlington, I said yes. I realize when my daily routine is getting a little pedestrian, that it’s important for me to venture out to observe others in settings in which I’m not familiar.  I enjoy watching people, and I am particularly interested in seeing how people dress for events. 

We arrived early, had a nice touch up on makeup by the accommodating folks from Revlon, snapped some photos, and sipped a couple of relaxing glasses of wine.  We were the first guests to hit the main floor, and we made small talk with the bartenders until we found just the right seats.  We checked out the party food and settled into our seats for hummus and spinach dip. 

Guests started to arrive around 6:30 p.m., and as I anticipated, dress varied widely. Some wore suits and dresses, perhaps just having left work.  Others wore jeans.  Some were ultra chic with spiked pumps and designer dresses, while some were hipster in skinny jeans and Elvis Costello glasses.  I fell somewhere in the middle, I guess.  Most of my clothes need to do double-duty, easily merging from the workplace to dinner, and I was on the top end of the planned age range designated by the event planners so I expected to be one of the more conservatively dressed. 

Overhead music got louder and louder as the event progressed.  I’m amused to report that the music had just reached a volume I found too loud at the time we left.  Although I didn’t stay long, it was worth it to take in just how folks are mingling these days.  Thanks for the invitation, SE!

Seasoned Elegance said:
My wingman (wingwoman really) CD was being incredibly nice, as she usually is (which is why she is so charming and so diplomatic). I, on the other hand, am brutally honest.

About women -- There was a time at this event in which I wanted to go up to some women and ask if they were looking for a date or their next trick. I mean come on ladies, don't go showing all the goods when the guy hasn't even bought you a drink yet!

About the men -- They looked like they just came from a sporting event with baseball caps, T-shirts, jeans, Nike shoes. Guys, you are here to put your best foot forward and meet lovely women, not catch up on the latest sports scores with the dudes!

The exceptions -- There were exceptions on both sides. Obviously me and CD weren't dressed as 20-something hoochy mommas or sports fans. We were in the middle as CD said above. And we saw some nicely dressed gentlemen in suits, jackets and nice shirts (some even wore ties, that's a bonus in my book). And there were some nicely dressed women in conservative dresses and business attire.

The moral of this story -- People, regardless of your age, dress the way you want to be treated. Men, if you want women to take you seriously, you need to put a little more effort into looking like someone a gal would like to show off to her girlfriends. Women, if you want to be taken seriously, you need to start leaving a little bit more to the guy's imagination and be someone they would want to show off to their family.

Needle in a haystack ...

So, I've been blogging about all the frightening experiences I've had with online dating so far. Today, I want to highlight a great experience. I just went on my first face-to-face date with a gentleman last week. After weeks of researching and chatting with creeps, I had a lovely date (just drinks at a local pub) with a very interesting, handsome, educated and polite man (I will refer to him as "DD" for dream date, not necessarily Dr. McDreamy but pretty darned close!) who has a job. a paying one. This great guy paid for the drinks (wouldn't even think of letting me pay), got a babysitter for his child just so he can take me out and opened the doors for me. He was witty, charming, intelligent, easy on the eyes and oozing manners. While he shall remain nameless (although if anyone would ever ask me in person if I recommended him, it would be a resounding YES -- just not for me), I want to comment that even his name was mannerly (in that, he didn't go by some shortened version of his name or some ludicrous nickname like Joey Jimmy, Richie, Bubba, etc. -- the reason I abhor shortened names is another post for another time -- he used his full, mom-given name). All that and it only took me about two months to find him! I have a theory here, I think these online dating services throw all these crazy people at you so that when a really nice one comes along, you are so overwhelmed by normalcy that you let your guard down for the next one. I really did think my next date would be just like DD and then, BAM!!!  I get the crappy ones again. It just goes to show you, you have to sift through the trash to get to the treasures. This lovely gentleman and I will likely not go out again (unfortunately there wasn't much chemistry there) but I appreciate his effort and genuineness! I hope I find a few more treasures like DD in this venture.

Maybe baby ... NOT

Courtesy of Jill Greenberg photography and blog.

I'm not going to beat around the bush on this post. I'm just going to say it. Men, why in the Hell would you want to have children in your 50s? ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!

OK, let me back up now. On the online dating sites I am on, there is always a section for children -- meaning there is a section to tell potential dates if you have children, want children or do not want children. Well, since I am 45, I am pretty content with my household size and do NOT want anymore children. I kind of figured guys felt the same at 45+. But apparently just because women's biological clocks stop ticking around my age, men think starting a family at 45+ is a good idea. Let's look at three very good reasons why this is not a good idea guys:

1. You'd have to marry a girl (I use that term literally and figuratively) in her 20s or 30s -- So, why are you on match, eharmony, plentyoffish, elitesingles, or OKCupid? Shouldn't you be on sugardaddy.com?
2. Retirement checks don't really cover college -- If you do succeed in marrying a girl in her child bearing years when you are 50+, by the time your child gets old enough to go to college (i.e. 18 years later) you will be collecting a retirement check. Last time I looked, college expenses aren't covered by social security. 
3. Girls don't really like changing two sets of diapers -- Do you really want your hot child-bearing-aged wife to have to change a baby's diapers and yours? Trust me sweetie, unless you have lots of money to make the diaper changing tasks easier to bear, that trophy wife is going to leave you quicker than you can say Pampers or Depends. 

So, how about we play it real guys? We know some of you are only saying you want kids because you think that is what we women want to hear. Trust me, the majority of intelligent women like me are perfectly happy with the children we have and don't need to hear that hullabaloo. We are perfectly happy to be parental figures to your children should the relationship progress to that level and we are sure you would share in the same roles with our children. But to start all over again? Hell NO!

A rose is a rose ...

I admire people who have the courage to put themselves out there on online dating sites. It's refreshing when I see guys completely fill out the profile questions and don't just answer with one word answers. But it amazes me what a person will make as their profile name. I mean, think about it guys, you will be remembered by hundreds of women as "Looking4U" (hint: that is rather stalker-ish and not attractive) for the rest of your online dating life! I have compiled a list of the top 10 noteworthy online profile names I've run across in the past few weeks since beginning this adventure (NOTE: these are from the various dating sites I am on and not from just one source). I'm sure I will be updating this list in the next few months. Feel free to comment below and add more that you have run across (male or female). This blog isn't meant to shame anyone, merely to make you think twice when making the profile name that will show up under your photo.

1. GuyNextDoor -- If I had wanted the guy next door, I would have gone next door and knocked!
2. For_Forever -- With that photo?! Nope, you are a "For_one date only".
3. Dons4Real -- As opposed to "Donsafake"?
4. HappyDude -- It's like Margaret Thatcher said, "Being a leader is like being a lady, if you have to tell people you are one, you aren't" (this applies here Mr. Sad Dude)
5. JackofHearts -- I see you gambling all my hard earned retirement money away.
6. FunnyShoes -- Yeah, that doesn't really appeal to the woman who wants to be able to take her man to meet her friends, parents or to a work function.
7. Roamnfree -- So, you are on the dating website because you want to roam free? Or you are Roman and you are free? I don't get it. I thought you were free if you are online dating?
8. Justin_Case -- Cute play on a first name but "just in case" of what? Just in case I can't find anyone else to date on here, give you a flirt? Just in case you are the last man on Earth, we should repopulate it? Just in case I have a spare hour one week and have nothing better to do? Just in case of what?
9. ProudDad (add # here) -- Yes, I realize you are a proud dad and your children are the loves of your life and that is admirable. But when I'm looking for a romantic partner I don't want to think of him as a dad, that just kills the moment. It does make me wonder who has the very first thought of this profile name -- I want to meet ProudDad1 and ask him what the Hell he was thinking!
10. GlenLivet -- I kind of like this one, refers to Scotch ... clever. I might send a little flirting GlenLivet's way :-)