Home Sweet Home for the Holidays ...

Maybe its the thought of spending the holidays alone that turns usually sane, sophisticated single adults into needy, desperate cling wrap. Yes, it's Dec. 24 (Christmas Eve) and I just peeked (peeked mind you, not scoured) the online dating site I'm currently on to see who in the world would be on there on this wonderful Christmas Eve, well, besides me (but mine is purely research and doesn't count does it?). And of course I have a theory about what kind of people are "constantly" (not peeking every now and then but on 24/7) on dating websites during Christmas. I've noticed a few similarities in those profiles -- Here they are:

• People who have children who "sometimes live at home" or "do not live at home" -- translated by me to mean the kids are with the other parent this holiday season and the non-custodial parent is bored and lonely
• People with no children -- translated by me to mean they don't have nieces and nephews to spoil or are cheapskates and don't spoil their nieces, nephews or friends' children
• People who do not mention their friends in their profiles -- translated by me to mean they have NONE and that if I were to go out on a date with them, I'd be their only friend (can you say possessive?)
• People who say they are shy and quiet but romantic -- translated by me to mean they are the freaks who catfish or will never actually get up the nerve to ask you on a date because they just like having online relationships (what the heck is that anyway?!?!)
• People who (when asked to describe that they look for in a match) use the "no preference" button for all the questions -- translated by me to mean, they just want a warm body to call girlfriend/boyfriend
• People who don't mention their family in their profile -- translated by me to mean they don't get along with their family (even I can get along with my family for limited amounts of time!)

The moral of this story? Be very wary of anyone who is constantly on the dating website during the holidays. 

Silent night, man-less night ...

Taking a short sabbatical for the next few weeks from online dating since its Christmas/New Years and no one but the REALLY bored and desperate are on the dating sites anyway -- begs the question why I'm on them :-) . As a special tribute to all those single ladies who will spend the holidays without a boyfriend/spouse in their life this year, I have a special Christmas gift for you. I made a song. Well, I just changed the words around to the old Christmas favorite "Silent Night, Holy Night". I figure you should find ways to count your blessings this holiday season without a significant other. Enjoy.


Silent night, man-less night
Alone at Christmas but its alright
No cheap beer in my refrigerator
Its filled with chocolate and champagne d'or
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty socks in sight


Silent night, man-less night
No mistletoe is needed tonight
I'm in my flannel PJs, my hair is a mess
I'm petting my dog and she could care less
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty underwear in sight


Silent night, man-less night
Calm and quiet, no screaming fight
No bad jokes, TV sports or smelly farts
Just reading a book about romance arts
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty magazines in sight


Silent night, man-less night
Perfumed candles flickering light
I can watch what I want on my own television
Or walk around in my granny panties without someone bitchin'
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty toothbrush in sight


Feel free to add verses ...

So many sites, so little time ...

NOTE: NO ENDORSEMENT INTENDED!

In the beginning, there were really only a few online dating sites to choose from. Now, in the United States alone there are hundreds!



1990: There were only a few dozen sites where singles could chat, be matched, browse, e-mail online. It was actually called "Cyber Dating" and you've got to watch this old video to get the idea http://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/371890/a-1990s-guide-to-cyber-dating/



Now, 25 years later we have (just to name a few in the US) hundreds:
Match
Zoosk
OurTime
eHarmony
ChristianMingle
BlackPeopleMeet
SeniorPeopleMeet
BeNaughty
MatureSingleesOnly
MatureDatingOnly
PlentyofFish
OKCupid
InternationalCupid
EliteSingles
BBWCupid (stands for Big Beautiful Women)
Badoo
Chemistry
GreenSingles
CatholicMatch
WitchDating
TattooLovers
SoundMeet
TasteBuds
DateMyPet
MatchMySign



Sure, there are dating sites for different religions, races, sexual preferences and cultures but there are also dating sites for different careers (FarmersOnly, CrewDating, etc.), politics (RonPaulSingles, TheAtlasPhere, etc.), hobbies (GamingPassions, CyclingSingles, etc.) and social classes (RightStuffDating, MillionaireMatch, etc.). And of course, we have the sites that are specifically NOT for singles wanting a date or mate at all but a hook-up (e.g. Ashley Madison and WhatsYourPrice).  No, I'm not making any of these up. However, I will say I laughed a lot (a whole lot!) when researching these sites for this blog post. Really hoping I don't run for office one day and my computer gets hacked with all these freaky online dating sites' cookies on it.



And as if we didn't have enough choice in the online dating site supermarket, we also have sites about online dating like The Online Dating Magazine (started in 2003, www.onlinedatingmagazine.com). It's enough to actually scare you off dating for a while!



Bottom line is the online dating biz is hot (sensuality and financially). According to a 2013 article by Before It's News blogger, Marty Zwilling (Founder and CEO of Startup Professionals, http://blog.startupprofessionals.com/2013/03/how-many-more-online-dating-sites-do-we.html)  only 1% of online dating start ups succeed. Thank God!


We don't need any more online dating websites. What we need are more quality men and women using the sites we already have!

Yakkity Yak ... Don't talk back!

I have an interesting topic today ... rejection. I'm generally diplomatic when I need to be. So, if I get contacted by a guy whose photo or profile just does not appeal to me, I'm gracious enough to say "no thank you" immediately. No need to waste his or my time with pleasantries if I'm not interested. I don't go into a long explanation or say I don't like his photo or profile, I simply say "no thank you".

But more often than not, when I say "no thank you" I get a barrage of comments in return:
Why not?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
Don't you just want to meet and see?

No means no, guys. It is rejection and it is normal! There could be any reason why your photo doesn't appeal to me or your profile doesn't seem like a match. Some examples: No, I don't want to go hunting and fishing with you every weekend; yes, I expect you to take off your baseball cap indoors; no, I don't like men with beards; or yes, I need a man who has a job.

Recently I had a guy who said hello to me online. He had no photo on his profile so I asked for one since his profile sounded nice. He said he was athletic and toned but his photo said something completely different! When he uploaded the photo and proceeded to plan a date with me, I politely said no thank you. I must have gotten a dozen e-mails afterward asking what was my problem, who did I think I was, I wasn't anything special to look at either, etc. etc. Dude, I just didn't like your photo. No, I'm not going to like you any more if we meet in person. In fact, I usually like guys a lot less when I meet in person because the photo they upload is supposed to show you in a great light. Reality is usually less flattering :-)

We are not in grade school. Take your rejection like a man (or like a woman) and remember that life ain't fair. Just because you like a person online does not mean they like you back. Be an adult enough to take that person's "no thank you" as a gift (they didn't waste your time by leading you on) and move on to the next person who might reciprocate your "like".

Decoding online dating talk ...

I've been on the online dating sites long enough to know how to decode the majority of guy talk for the following words. So, when a guy says these words ladies, here's what he might mean (well, most of the time for most of the guys I have been in contact with -- of course there are exceptions to every rule). "You" means the woman and "I" means the guy is saying the definition.

• Fun-loving = You need to have fun doing the stupid things I like to do (e.g. sports, hunting, car shows, firing range)
• Serious about life = You must be willing and able to get off the couch and you do not plan your life around reality TV shows
• Good sense of humor = You must laugh at anything I think is funny for example, all Adam Sandler movies, the Three Stooges, my finger in my nose dinner trick, etc.
• Romantic = Actually means when I am romantic toward you (flowers, candles, bubble baths) then you have to gush and fawn over my efforts then give me lots of sex.
• Intimate = Sex
• Good conversation = I want to talk about the things I want to talk about and if you don't like those topics you are not a good conversationalist
• Adventurous = Willing to go hunting with me and skin the deer once I've killed it. Or, willing to carry your own pack when we go hiking. This could also mean sexually adventurous.
• Simple = If I say "I'm simple" I'm really trying to say I don't like a lot of clutter and junk around me. If I say "I like the simple things in life" it usually means I'm a cheapskate
• Trustworthy or honest = I've been burned by lying bitches and if you lie to me once, I'm outta here. In fact, that is why I am here, I just divorced a lying bitch
• Loyal = See "trustworthy" definition above. I'm here because either I wasn't loyal to my last girlfriend or she wasn't loyal to me. Could also be code for I'm a one-person-at-a-time dater and I'm going to absolutely go postal if I see your match.com profile still active after we've gone on two dates

Of course, this is just the start of the list so if you can think of any more to help women decode the online dating man talk (or vice versa, help men decode the women's online dating talk) feel free to leave them in a comment. 

Gone fishin' ...

I got catfished! I was waiting for it to happen. In fact, I kind of brought it on myself just to see if I could get anyone to catfish me. I know I usually write about the funny side of online dating but this time, it's serious. My usual "Fish Called Wanda" style of writing is being kidnapped this week for "Catfish Candid Camera".


Catfishing has been around a long time (old scam, new name) and is when a person purposefully misrepresents themselves. For example, a guy in Nigeria steals some Facebook photos of a good looking guy in the United States and passes himself off as that person to the women on the online dating site.


Unfortunately, catfishing has become so popular that there was an MTV show called Catfish which was actually based off a movie called Catfish -- all about the same topic!  Also unfortunate is the fact that online daters have to be twice as vigilant about catfishing scams than they did 5-10 years ago. In fact, even the military is affected -- find a great article by the US Army on it here. Sadly, military members are being used as "bait" in catfishing scams (their photos of them in uniform are being used to solicit money and emotions from lonely yet patriotic, supportive online daters).


But why does a person "catfish"? Primarily it's to scam people out of money but sometimes it can just be for the fun of it. One story was about a scammer (female) who was so depressed she made up fake identities to get the attention she wanted/needed. Sad, but believable.


So, back to my catfish saga:

1. Red Flag (RF) #1 -- I got a lovely e-mail from a very handsome man named Jason (note: not all guys named Jason on dating sites are scammers -- just needed to clarify that) who claimed to be 48 but looked 28. It looked fishy but I though, "I'll play along."
2. RF#2 -- This guy started out by writing me short conversational e-mails, then by the fourth e-mail they were novels about everything from his last surgery to his childhood trauma.
3. RF#3 -- Then, he said it was too difficult for him to converse over this e-mail system (the dating site's system that is) and wanted to text instead so he gave me his cell phone number. Of course, I'm thinking, "typing versus texting" they are both the same. OK, I'll still play along although at this point it was all really just a game to me too since I was waiting for him (or her) to slip up big time. I told him I didn't give my number to men I didn't meet in person first.
4. RF#4 -- In response to RF#3, he said, "But, I'm in the military stationed over in Iraq, you can trust me." Of course I'm thinking, "buddy, the last two times I trusted a guy I ended up pregnant and with a car payment I couldn't afford. So, I said thanks but no thanks and wished him luck.
5. RF#5 -- Then the questions came raining down: Why didn't I support the American military, why couldn't I trust a man, who hurt me so badly, blah, blah, blah.  Well, I was bored by this point so I just said (AFTER I reported him to the online dating site's security team), "Dude you are possibly the WORST catfisher I have ever met.  You need to up your game!"

Of course, this experience made me want to fish for the catfishers so I'm "gone fishin" ...

So, what are you wearing?

EDITOR'S NOTE: I started thinking maybe I need to get another perspective on this online dating thing so I asked my stylish friend (nicknamed Charming Diplomat, CD for short, because she is charming and she is diplomatic, much more so than I lol) to help me blog about an event we went to last week hosted by an online dating site.

Charming Diplomat said:
At 45, I don’t go out as much as I used to.  So when I got an invitation to attend an event at the Rooftop Bar in Arlington, I said yes. I realize when my daily routine is getting a little pedestrian, that it’s important for me to venture out to observe others in settings in which I’m not familiar.  I enjoy watching people, and I am particularly interested in seeing how people dress for events. 

We arrived early, had a nice touch up on makeup by the accommodating folks from Revlon, snapped some photos, and sipped a couple of relaxing glasses of wine.  We were the first guests to hit the main floor, and we made small talk with the bartenders until we found just the right seats.  We checked out the party food and settled into our seats for hummus and spinach dip. 

Guests started to arrive around 6:30 p.m., and as I anticipated, dress varied widely. Some wore suits and dresses, perhaps just having left work.  Others wore jeans.  Some were ultra chic with spiked pumps and designer dresses, while some were hipster in skinny jeans and Elvis Costello glasses.  I fell somewhere in the middle, I guess.  Most of my clothes need to do double-duty, easily merging from the workplace to dinner, and I was on the top end of the planned age range designated by the event planners so I expected to be one of the more conservatively dressed. 

Overhead music got louder and louder as the event progressed.  I’m amused to report that the music had just reached a volume I found too loud at the time we left.  Although I didn’t stay long, it was worth it to take in just how folks are mingling these days.  Thanks for the invitation, SE!

Seasoned Elegance said:
My wingman (wingwoman really) CD was being incredibly nice, as she usually is (which is why she is so charming and so diplomatic). I, on the other hand, am brutally honest.

About women -- There was a time at this event in which I wanted to go up to some women and ask if they were looking for a date or their next trick. I mean come on ladies, don't go showing all the goods when the guy hasn't even bought you a drink yet!

About the men -- They looked like they just came from a sporting event with baseball caps, T-shirts, jeans, Nike shoes. Guys, you are here to put your best foot forward and meet lovely women, not catch up on the latest sports scores with the dudes!

The exceptions -- There were exceptions on both sides. Obviously me and CD weren't dressed as 20-something hoochy mommas or sports fans. We were in the middle as CD said above. And we saw some nicely dressed gentlemen in suits, jackets and nice shirts (some even wore ties, that's a bonus in my book). And there were some nicely dressed women in conservative dresses and business attire.

The moral of this story -- People, regardless of your age, dress the way you want to be treated. Men, if you want women to take you seriously, you need to put a little more effort into looking like someone a gal would like to show off to her girlfriends. Women, if you want to be taken seriously, you need to start leaving a little bit more to the guy's imagination and be someone they would want to show off to their family.