Home Sweet Home for the Holidays ...

Maybe its the thought of spending the holidays alone that turns usually sane, sophisticated single adults into needy, desperate cling wrap. Yes, it's Dec. 24 (Christmas Eve) and I just peeked (peeked mind you, not scoured) the online dating site I'm currently on to see who in the world would be on there on this wonderful Christmas Eve, well, besides me (but mine is purely research and doesn't count does it?). And of course I have a theory about what kind of people are "constantly" (not peeking every now and then but on 24/7) on dating websites during Christmas. I've noticed a few similarities in those profiles -- Here they are:

• People who have children who "sometimes live at home" or "do not live at home" -- translated by me to mean the kids are with the other parent this holiday season and the non-custodial parent is bored and lonely
• People with no children -- translated by me to mean they don't have nieces and nephews to spoil or are cheapskates and don't spoil their nieces, nephews or friends' children
• People who do not mention their friends in their profiles -- translated by me to mean they have NONE and that if I were to go out on a date with them, I'd be their only friend (can you say possessive?)
• People who say they are shy and quiet but romantic -- translated by me to mean they are the freaks who catfish or will never actually get up the nerve to ask you on a date because they just like having online relationships (what the heck is that anyway?!?!)
• People who (when asked to describe that they look for in a match) use the "no preference" button for all the questions -- translated by me to mean, they just want a warm body to call girlfriend/boyfriend
• People who don't mention their family in their profile -- translated by me to mean they don't get along with their family (even I can get along with my family for limited amounts of time!)

The moral of this story? Be very wary of anyone who is constantly on the dating website during the holidays. 

Silent night, man-less night ...

Taking a short sabbatical for the next few weeks from online dating since its Christmas/New Years and no one but the REALLY bored and desperate are on the dating sites anyway -- begs the question why I'm on them :-) . As a special tribute to all those single ladies who will spend the holidays without a boyfriend/spouse in their life this year, I have a special Christmas gift for you. I made a song. Well, I just changed the words around to the old Christmas favorite "Silent Night, Holy Night". I figure you should find ways to count your blessings this holiday season without a significant other. Enjoy.


Silent night, man-less night
Alone at Christmas but its alright
No cheap beer in my refrigerator
Its filled with chocolate and champagne d'or
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty socks in sight


Silent night, man-less night
No mistletoe is needed tonight
I'm in my flannel PJs, my hair is a mess
I'm petting my dog and she could care less
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty underwear in sight


Silent night, man-less night
Calm and quiet, no screaming fight
No bad jokes, TV sports or smelly farts
Just reading a book about romance arts
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty magazines in sight


Silent night, man-less night
Perfumed candles flickering light
I can watch what I want on my own television
Or walk around in my granny panties without someone bitchin'
The house is clean and bright
No men's dirty toothbrush in sight


Feel free to add verses ...

So many sites, so little time ...

NOTE: NO ENDORSEMENT INTENDED!

In the beginning, there were really only a few online dating sites to choose from. Now, in the United States alone there are hundreds!



1990: There were only a few dozen sites where singles could chat, be matched, browse, e-mail online. It was actually called "Cyber Dating" and you've got to watch this old video to get the idea http://www.theatlantic.com/video/index/371890/a-1990s-guide-to-cyber-dating/



Now, 25 years later we have (just to name a few in the US) hundreds:
Match
Zoosk
OurTime
eHarmony
ChristianMingle
BlackPeopleMeet
SeniorPeopleMeet
BeNaughty
MatureSingleesOnly
MatureDatingOnly
PlentyofFish
OKCupid
InternationalCupid
EliteSingles
BBWCupid (stands for Big Beautiful Women)
Badoo
Chemistry
GreenSingles
CatholicMatch
WitchDating
TattooLovers
SoundMeet
TasteBuds
DateMyPet
MatchMySign



Sure, there are dating sites for different religions, races, sexual preferences and cultures but there are also dating sites for different careers (FarmersOnly, CrewDating, etc.), politics (RonPaulSingles, TheAtlasPhere, etc.), hobbies (GamingPassions, CyclingSingles, etc.) and social classes (RightStuffDating, MillionaireMatch, etc.). And of course, we have the sites that are specifically NOT for singles wanting a date or mate at all but a hook-up (e.g. Ashley Madison and WhatsYourPrice).  No, I'm not making any of these up. However, I will say I laughed a lot (a whole lot!) when researching these sites for this blog post. Really hoping I don't run for office one day and my computer gets hacked with all these freaky online dating sites' cookies on it.



And as if we didn't have enough choice in the online dating site supermarket, we also have sites about online dating like The Online Dating Magazine (started in 2003, www.onlinedatingmagazine.com). It's enough to actually scare you off dating for a while!



Bottom line is the online dating biz is hot (sensuality and financially). According to a 2013 article by Before It's News blogger, Marty Zwilling (Founder and CEO of Startup Professionals, http://blog.startupprofessionals.com/2013/03/how-many-more-online-dating-sites-do-we.html)  only 1% of online dating start ups succeed. Thank God!


We don't need any more online dating websites. What we need are more quality men and women using the sites we already have!

Yakkity Yak ... Don't talk back!

I have an interesting topic today ... rejection. I'm generally diplomatic when I need to be. So, if I get contacted by a guy whose photo or profile just does not appeal to me, I'm gracious enough to say "no thank you" immediately. No need to waste his or my time with pleasantries if I'm not interested. I don't go into a long explanation or say I don't like his photo or profile, I simply say "no thank you".

But more often than not, when I say "no thank you" I get a barrage of comments in return:
Why not?
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
Don't you just want to meet and see?

No means no, guys. It is rejection and it is normal! There could be any reason why your photo doesn't appeal to me or your profile doesn't seem like a match. Some examples: No, I don't want to go hunting and fishing with you every weekend; yes, I expect you to take off your baseball cap indoors; no, I don't like men with beards; or yes, I need a man who has a job.

Recently I had a guy who said hello to me online. He had no photo on his profile so I asked for one since his profile sounded nice. He said he was athletic and toned but his photo said something completely different! When he uploaded the photo and proceeded to plan a date with me, I politely said no thank you. I must have gotten a dozen e-mails afterward asking what was my problem, who did I think I was, I wasn't anything special to look at either, etc. etc. Dude, I just didn't like your photo. No, I'm not going to like you any more if we meet in person. In fact, I usually like guys a lot less when I meet in person because the photo they upload is supposed to show you in a great light. Reality is usually less flattering :-)

We are not in grade school. Take your rejection like a man (or like a woman) and remember that life ain't fair. Just because you like a person online does not mean they like you back. Be an adult enough to take that person's "no thank you" as a gift (they didn't waste your time by leading you on) and move on to the next person who might reciprocate your "like".

Decoding online dating talk ...

I've been on the online dating sites long enough to know how to decode the majority of guy talk for the following words. So, when a guy says these words ladies, here's what he might mean (well, most of the time for most of the guys I have been in contact with -- of course there are exceptions to every rule). "You" means the woman and "I" means the guy is saying the definition.

• Fun-loving = You need to have fun doing the stupid things I like to do (e.g. sports, hunting, car shows, firing range)
• Serious about life = You must be willing and able to get off the couch and you do not plan your life around reality TV shows
• Good sense of humor = You must laugh at anything I think is funny for example, all Adam Sandler movies, the Three Stooges, my finger in my nose dinner trick, etc.
• Romantic = Actually means when I am romantic toward you (flowers, candles, bubble baths) then you have to gush and fawn over my efforts then give me lots of sex.
• Intimate = Sex
• Good conversation = I want to talk about the things I want to talk about and if you don't like those topics you are not a good conversationalist
• Adventurous = Willing to go hunting with me and skin the deer once I've killed it. Or, willing to carry your own pack when we go hiking. This could also mean sexually adventurous.
• Simple = If I say "I'm simple" I'm really trying to say I don't like a lot of clutter and junk around me. If I say "I like the simple things in life" it usually means I'm a cheapskate
• Trustworthy or honest = I've been burned by lying bitches and if you lie to me once, I'm outta here. In fact, that is why I am here, I just divorced a lying bitch
• Loyal = See "trustworthy" definition above. I'm here because either I wasn't loyal to my last girlfriend or she wasn't loyal to me. Could also be code for I'm a one-person-at-a-time dater and I'm going to absolutely go postal if I see your match.com profile still active after we've gone on two dates

Of course, this is just the start of the list so if you can think of any more to help women decode the online dating man talk (or vice versa, help men decode the women's online dating talk) feel free to leave them in a comment. 

Gone fishin' ...

I got catfished! I was waiting for it to happen. In fact, I kind of brought it on myself just to see if I could get anyone to catfish me. I know I usually write about the funny side of online dating but this time, it's serious. My usual "Fish Called Wanda" style of writing is being kidnapped this week for "Catfish Candid Camera".


Catfishing has been around a long time (old scam, new name) and is when a person purposefully misrepresents themselves. For example, a guy in Nigeria steals some Facebook photos of a good looking guy in the United States and passes himself off as that person to the women on the online dating site.


Unfortunately, catfishing has become so popular that there was an MTV show called Catfish which was actually based off a movie called Catfish -- all about the same topic!  Also unfortunate is the fact that online daters have to be twice as vigilant about catfishing scams than they did 5-10 years ago. In fact, even the military is affected -- find a great article by the US Army on it here. Sadly, military members are being used as "bait" in catfishing scams (their photos of them in uniform are being used to solicit money and emotions from lonely yet patriotic, supportive online daters).


But why does a person "catfish"? Primarily it's to scam people out of money but sometimes it can just be for the fun of it. One story was about a scammer (female) who was so depressed she made up fake identities to get the attention she wanted/needed. Sad, but believable.


So, back to my catfish saga:

1. Red Flag (RF) #1 -- I got a lovely e-mail from a very handsome man named Jason (note: not all guys named Jason on dating sites are scammers -- just needed to clarify that) who claimed to be 48 but looked 28. It looked fishy but I though, "I'll play along."
2. RF#2 -- This guy started out by writing me short conversational e-mails, then by the fourth e-mail they were novels about everything from his last surgery to his childhood trauma.
3. RF#3 -- Then, he said it was too difficult for him to converse over this e-mail system (the dating site's system that is) and wanted to text instead so he gave me his cell phone number. Of course, I'm thinking, "typing versus texting" they are both the same. OK, I'll still play along although at this point it was all really just a game to me too since I was waiting for him (or her) to slip up big time. I told him I didn't give my number to men I didn't meet in person first.
4. RF#4 -- In response to RF#3, he said, "But, I'm in the military stationed over in Iraq, you can trust me." Of course I'm thinking, "buddy, the last two times I trusted a guy I ended up pregnant and with a car payment I couldn't afford. So, I said thanks but no thanks and wished him luck.
5. RF#5 -- Then the questions came raining down: Why didn't I support the American military, why couldn't I trust a man, who hurt me so badly, blah, blah, blah.  Well, I was bored by this point so I just said (AFTER I reported him to the online dating site's security team), "Dude you are possibly the WORST catfisher I have ever met.  You need to up your game!"

Of course, this experience made me want to fish for the catfishers so I'm "gone fishin" ...

So, what are you wearing?

EDITOR'S NOTE: I started thinking maybe I need to get another perspective on this online dating thing so I asked my stylish friend (nicknamed Charming Diplomat, CD for short, because she is charming and she is diplomatic, much more so than I lol) to help me blog about an event we went to last week hosted by an online dating site.

Charming Diplomat said:
At 45, I don’t go out as much as I used to.  So when I got an invitation to attend an event at the Rooftop Bar in Arlington, I said yes. I realize when my daily routine is getting a little pedestrian, that it’s important for me to venture out to observe others in settings in which I’m not familiar.  I enjoy watching people, and I am particularly interested in seeing how people dress for events. 

We arrived early, had a nice touch up on makeup by the accommodating folks from Revlon, snapped some photos, and sipped a couple of relaxing glasses of wine.  We were the first guests to hit the main floor, and we made small talk with the bartenders until we found just the right seats.  We checked out the party food and settled into our seats for hummus and spinach dip. 

Guests started to arrive around 6:30 p.m., and as I anticipated, dress varied widely. Some wore suits and dresses, perhaps just having left work.  Others wore jeans.  Some were ultra chic with spiked pumps and designer dresses, while some were hipster in skinny jeans and Elvis Costello glasses.  I fell somewhere in the middle, I guess.  Most of my clothes need to do double-duty, easily merging from the workplace to dinner, and I was on the top end of the planned age range designated by the event planners so I expected to be one of the more conservatively dressed. 

Overhead music got louder and louder as the event progressed.  I’m amused to report that the music had just reached a volume I found too loud at the time we left.  Although I didn’t stay long, it was worth it to take in just how folks are mingling these days.  Thanks for the invitation, SE!

Seasoned Elegance said:
My wingman (wingwoman really) CD was being incredibly nice, as she usually is (which is why she is so charming and so diplomatic). I, on the other hand, am brutally honest.

About women -- There was a time at this event in which I wanted to go up to some women and ask if they were looking for a date or their next trick. I mean come on ladies, don't go showing all the goods when the guy hasn't even bought you a drink yet!

About the men -- They looked like they just came from a sporting event with baseball caps, T-shirts, jeans, Nike shoes. Guys, you are here to put your best foot forward and meet lovely women, not catch up on the latest sports scores with the dudes!

The exceptions -- There were exceptions on both sides. Obviously me and CD weren't dressed as 20-something hoochy mommas or sports fans. We were in the middle as CD said above. And we saw some nicely dressed gentlemen in suits, jackets and nice shirts (some even wore ties, that's a bonus in my book). And there were some nicely dressed women in conservative dresses and business attire.

The moral of this story -- People, regardless of your age, dress the way you want to be treated. Men, if you want women to take you seriously, you need to put a little more effort into looking like someone a gal would like to show off to her girlfriends. Women, if you want to be taken seriously, you need to start leaving a little bit more to the guy's imagination and be someone they would want to show off to their family.

Needle in a haystack ...

So, I've been blogging about all the frightening experiences I've had with online dating so far. Today, I want to highlight a great experience. I just went on my first face-to-face date with a gentleman last week. After weeks of researching and chatting with creeps, I had a lovely date (just drinks at a local pub) with a very interesting, handsome, educated and polite man (I will refer to him as "DD" for dream date, not necessarily Dr. McDreamy but pretty darned close!) who has a job. a paying one. This great guy paid for the drinks (wouldn't even think of letting me pay), got a babysitter for his child just so he can take me out and opened the doors for me. He was witty, charming, intelligent, easy on the eyes and oozing manners. While he shall remain nameless (although if anyone would ever ask me in person if I recommended him, it would be a resounding YES -- just not for me), I want to comment that even his name was mannerly (in that, he didn't go by some shortened version of his name or some ludicrous nickname like Joey Jimmy, Richie, Bubba, etc. -- the reason I abhor shortened names is another post for another time -- he used his full, mom-given name). All that and it only took me about two months to find him! I have a theory here, I think these online dating services throw all these crazy people at you so that when a really nice one comes along, you are so overwhelmed by normalcy that you let your guard down for the next one. I really did think my next date would be just like DD and then, BAM!!!  I get the crappy ones again. It just goes to show you, you have to sift through the trash to get to the treasures. This lovely gentleman and I will likely not go out again (unfortunately there wasn't much chemistry there) but I appreciate his effort and genuineness! I hope I find a few more treasures like DD in this venture.

Maybe baby ... NOT

Courtesy of Jill Greenberg photography and blog.

I'm not going to beat around the bush on this post. I'm just going to say it. Men, why in the Hell would you want to have children in your 50s? ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!?!

OK, let me back up now. On the online dating sites I am on, there is always a section for children -- meaning there is a section to tell potential dates if you have children, want children or do not want children. Well, since I am 45, I am pretty content with my household size and do NOT want anymore children. I kind of figured guys felt the same at 45+. But apparently just because women's biological clocks stop ticking around my age, men think starting a family at 45+ is a good idea. Let's look at three very good reasons why this is not a good idea guys:

1. You'd have to marry a girl (I use that term literally and figuratively) in her 20s or 30s -- So, why are you on match, eharmony, plentyoffish, elitesingles, or OKCupid? Shouldn't you be on sugardaddy.com?
2. Retirement checks don't really cover college -- If you do succeed in marrying a girl in her child bearing years when you are 50+, by the time your child gets old enough to go to college (i.e. 18 years later) you will be collecting a retirement check. Last time I looked, college expenses aren't covered by social security. 
3. Girls don't really like changing two sets of diapers -- Do you really want your hot child-bearing-aged wife to have to change a baby's diapers and yours? Trust me sweetie, unless you have lots of money to make the diaper changing tasks easier to bear, that trophy wife is going to leave you quicker than you can say Pampers or Depends. 

So, how about we play it real guys? We know some of you are only saying you want kids because you think that is what we women want to hear. Trust me, the majority of intelligent women like me are perfectly happy with the children we have and don't need to hear that hullabaloo. We are perfectly happy to be parental figures to your children should the relationship progress to that level and we are sure you would share in the same roles with our children. But to start all over again? Hell NO!

A rose is a rose ...

I admire people who have the courage to put themselves out there on online dating sites. It's refreshing when I see guys completely fill out the profile questions and don't just answer with one word answers. But it amazes me what a person will make as their profile name. I mean, think about it guys, you will be remembered by hundreds of women as "Looking4U" (hint: that is rather stalker-ish and not attractive) for the rest of your online dating life! I have compiled a list of the top 10 noteworthy online profile names I've run across in the past few weeks since beginning this adventure (NOTE: these are from the various dating sites I am on and not from just one source). I'm sure I will be updating this list in the next few months. Feel free to comment below and add more that you have run across (male or female). This blog isn't meant to shame anyone, merely to make you think twice when making the profile name that will show up under your photo.

1. GuyNextDoor -- If I had wanted the guy next door, I would have gone next door and knocked!
2. For_Forever -- With that photo?! Nope, you are a "For_one date only".
3. Dons4Real -- As opposed to "Donsafake"?
4. HappyDude -- It's like Margaret Thatcher said, "Being a leader is like being a lady, if you have to tell people you are one, you aren't" (this applies here Mr. Sad Dude)
5. JackofHearts -- I see you gambling all my hard earned retirement money away.
6. FunnyShoes -- Yeah, that doesn't really appeal to the woman who wants to be able to take her man to meet her friends, parents or to a work function.
7. Roamnfree -- So, you are on the dating website because you want to roam free? Or you are Roman and you are free? I don't get it. I thought you were free if you are online dating?
8. Justin_Case -- Cute play on a first name but "just in case" of what? Just in case I can't find anyone else to date on here, give you a flirt? Just in case you are the last man on Earth, we should repopulate it? Just in case I have a spare hour one week and have nothing better to do? Just in case of what?
9. ProudDad (add # here) -- Yes, I realize you are a proud dad and your children are the loves of your life and that is admirable. But when I'm looking for a romantic partner I don't want to think of him as a dad, that just kills the moment. It does make me wonder who has the very first thought of this profile name -- I want to meet ProudDad1 and ask him what the Hell he was thinking!
10. GlenLivet -- I kind of like this one, refers to Scotch ... clever. I might send a little flirting GlenLivet's way :-)

Dating detective ...

I like to text just as much as the next gal but I don't want to text for hours and hours on end with a guy I just met. I made the mistake of giving my phone number to a new dating partner ONCE. He would text me every hour and send me loads of videos, photos, links, etc. and get mad when I didn't respond immediately (he was a trust fund baby so he had loads of time to text all day whereas I have a full time job). At first, I liked the attention but after about a day, it was annoying! Dude, I don't have time to text you every other hour, I got things to do today! I tell you this because I have gotten several requests from men at the online dating site to give my phone number so we can text. Um, no. First of all, I'll meet you face to face first -- I might not like you once I meet you in person so what's the point in me texting you. Second, are you so pitiful that you can't put a voice to your profile photos (i.e. phone me and talk to me instead of texting me)? Are you afraid I'll discover your voice is kind of like the kids in the Vienna Boys Choir and hasn't changed yet? Finally, and here is the real reason why many of these guys want to text or e-mail you, there are the scammers. Yes, they are out there. I have gotten four notifications by the online dating service I am on currently warning me about certain members who had contacted me that were not who they said they were. And the funny thing is the dating service said I should be in no danger now because: 1) they have removed these profiles; and 2) as long as I didn't give them bank account information or other personal info, I should be safe. WHAT?!?!!? Who in the hell would give a complete stranger (an electronic one they have never set eyes on) their bank account info? Apparently, it happens (i.e. the other person says they don't have the money to make the trip to meet them face to face so the vulnerable person wires them money). Well, I'm really skeptical now more than ever so I've sort of become this online dating sleuth who seeks out scammers on the site. It's almost as fun as writing this blog. I've spotted two already and gotten thank you notes from the dating service. Here are a few ways to spot them:

•  They have a perfectly written profile but when you start exchanging e-mails their English is always choppy like English is their second language or they use text talk
• They use vague terms for their occupation (e.g. civil engineer covers a plethora of jobs as does technician) and they won't go into details when you ask them what they do
• They don't talk about their families -- when you ask them if they have children they say they would rather learn more about you
• They choose vague cities as their residences -- New York, Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago -- instead of listing their actual cities (e.g. Millersville, Greggtown, etc.) 
• They immediately want to use a different form of correspondence than the online dating service e-mail system because they say it's easier
• They don't upload a photo and don't send you one when you ask for it
• They never want to talk on the phone (if you give them your number) they just want to text

I'm not saying a person who does one of these is definitely a scammer but if he/she does two or more, its a pretty safe bet they are not who they claim to be or they are out to scam you (or at the very least, they aren't serious about dating you, just playing games with you and who has time for that?). So, there you have it, the online dating web-waves are safer because of me. You are welcome! :-)

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Who's on first?

I like an honest guy. I like a guy who can open up to me and be comfortable talking to me. There is such a thing as being too comfortable though. I do not like guys who open up to me on the first e-mail exchange to tell me they really like me and would like a relationship with me, going into detail about how we are a perfect match and how we are soul mates. That is just freaky! But what is even freakier  is a guy who calls me pet names on the initial e-mail. Sir, kindly scroll up to the top of the page and at least use my profile name when addressing me for the first time. Here are some of my favorites and how I feel about them (they range from non-threatening but annoying to just absurd):

• "Hello beautiful, how are you?" -- I know I'm beautiful, I don't need to be told by a complete stranger who is judging me on a handful of photos that I am attractive.
• "Hi queen, your photos are great." -- Yes, there is a reason my photos are great and its because I spent time and effort taking photos that show me at my best. I didn't just slap up my senior prom picture from 20-ish years ago or a selfie I took in my kitchen. And what is with calling me "queen"? Do I look like Queen Elizabeth?!?! Although she looks pretty good for her age :-)
• "Hey girl, you are sexy." -- The word 'girl' and 'sexy' should never go together in a sentence EVER or else you look like a pedophile. I am a woman, not a girl, hear me roar!
• "hey sexy, hows ur day?" -- Sexy is an adjective, not a proper noun. And don't get me started on proper English and text talk. I immediately delete any e-mails from men (I use that term loosely) who can't be bothered to spell out a few words when greeting me for the first time. 
• "Hi sweetie, I've been looking for you." -- This is the uber creepiest of creepy intros. It sounds like you are Hannibal Lector who is getting ready to slice me open and eat my liver.
• "hey baby, whats up what ur # want to chat?" -- Beam me up Scotty, there are no intelligent life forms on this online dating site. 

Yes, I deleted all of these without responding. If you can't respect me enough to put some time and effort into making a good first impression, you don't deserve a response. For the love of God, at least just say "Hello" and wait for me to respond! Bottom line, whatever your best guy friend told you to say because he said "that's what women want to hear," please just ignore his advice. Instead, use the below initial e-mail sample:

Hello INSERT PROFILE NAME HERE, 
I enjoyed reading your profile and would like to get to know you better. Please respond if you are interested.
Best regards,
INSERT YOUR REAL FIRST NAME

Next week, we will talk about responses and what to do (and what not to do) when someone doesn't respond to your e-mail.  Or worse, says they are not interested -- yes, it happens, prepare yourself.

A picture says 1,000 words (sometimes not very good words!)

Thanks to the FaceBook page, Code Red, for the fabulous find of this single guy. Yes, there is a reason he is single ...

In my first two weeks of online dating I have sorted my "matches" into the following categories:

1. Mr. Rich and Important: Just because you took a photo in a suit and tie in front of Louis Vuitton does not mean you will go in said store and buy me something from Mr. LV. And just because you are holding a champagne flute (probably at your best friend's wedding) does not mean you are going to treat me to fine dining every date.
2. Mr. Ballcap: If you are wearing a baseball cap in every photo I deduce that it means one of two things: a) you are lying to yourself -- and me -- that you are not balding -- I have nothing against bald guys, just don't lie about it; or b) you have absolutely no idea how to dress up without a ballcap so taking you to a nice restaurant or a fundraising gala are out of the question -- neither of those two options work for me
3. Mr. Share-the-Spotlight:  I think I speak for all ladies when I say we can read in your profile that you love your dog/cat/big fish catch/car/motorcycle/boat/etc. and do not need to see all 25 allowable photos of you on match.com consumed with your pets and automotives
4. Mr. Friendless: Selfies are great but if all your photos are taken only by you, it makes us women start to wonder if you have friends. And if you don't have friends who can snap a photo every now and then (heck, even get your sister or kid to take a photo) we wonder if you are going to spend every second of your day stalking us because you have nothing better to do
5. Mr. Dad-Bod: Trust me when I say that most women know you have a dad-bod, we don't need to see your beer gut in a photo with your shirt off. But kudos for being brave enough to put it out there publicly. Bottom line, if you don't look EXACTLY like Magic Mike with your shirt off, we don't want to see it. Remember guys, we women show these photos to our other girlfriends when we find a good catch so do you really want your photos being laughed at because your perception is completely off?   We are fine with dad-bods, we just don't want to see them on match.com
6. Mr. Sports Fanatic: I know you love the your pro football team or your alma mater basketball team but save that sports team pride for after we've had a few dates. Here is a tip, rare is the woman who wants to go out to a basketball game on a first date (there are some who do, but very few and far between). If you wear your college team colors or, even worse, a Green Bay Packers cheesehead in every photo, we women tend to think that is all you will do (i.e. take us on "sports dates")
7. Mr. Back-to-the-Future: Yeah, we can tell that photo of you looking hot and studly was taken in 1995. How you may ask? Well, the velvet Elvis panting behind you or your mom's coke-bottle glasses kind of give it away. I would take a Mr. Friendless and his selfies over this guy, at least his photos are up-to-date!
8. Mr. Bond, James Bond: If you have a sexy girl in the photo with you, you better identify her as your sister or other non-threatening woman in your life or we will just pass you by because we are not impressed by your sexual prowess or ability to get hot women to stand by you. But on the same note, we can figure out some hot women you are photographed with (i.e. we women can tell if it's a NYC Rockette, which is cool, or the stripper at the local gentleman's club, which is not cool)
9. Mr. Mom: We love seeing pictures of dads with their kids but sometimes we want to see just you in at least one of the photos
10. Mr. No Photo: This is the worst! If you can't be bothered to post a photo (even a, God forbid, selfie) then tell me why I should just trust you when you say you are a good looking man? Well, two can play that game so you will just have to trust me that I am a 36-24-34 blonde, 5-foot/8-inches Barbie doll with green eyes, tan skin and a trust fund

In the beginning, there was a dating site ...

A few friends of mine told me they had great luck with online dating. Hmmm, I never have but thought about it long and hard for a few weeks and just last week thought "what the hell". So, I jumped in feet first and signed up for  an account with one of the more obscure  dating websites. Why? Well, for a few reasons:

1. I'm not getting any younger
2. I'm pretty technically savvy, how hard can this be?
3. I'm a busy woman, why not let someone else (or something else -- a system of algorithms) sift through my potential soulmates lol
4. It could be fun, or at least comical (better than spending $15 to go see one movie)
5. Thousands of other people are doing it successfully
6. It makes great blogging stories :-)

Well, not one to be shy, I decided it was going to be a no-holds-barred profile. The guys looking at my profile would KNOW what they were getting into. So here is what it says (in a nutshell):

• My REAL height and weight (no seriously, I weigh myself every week and update as necessary)
• What I am really looking for in a man -- none of that basic love, communication, humor, handsome bullshit -- real stuff like (but not limited to):
•  A guy who is secure in his masculinity to hold my purse while I shop
• Someone who takes me to tablecloth and silverware restaurants at least twice a year
• A dude who can speak his mind and not be afraid for me to speak mine
• Someone with healthy self esteem (I already raised a child, I ain't raising another one)
• Someone with a good job, goals, ambitions and has sorted out his retirement funding
• Must be able to tell the difference between soup and tea spoons -- basic etiquette
•  Actually knows how to tie a tie and can wear one with a suit he owns 
• has read at least one classic novel in the past 3 years
• Must NOT want me to bear children in the future! There's a reason I have only one child.
• My honest dislikes:
• No farting, burping, grunting or other rude noises in public
• Lives to hunt/fish/bike etc
• Wants to make me hunt/fish/bike/camp or otherwise do any outdoors activities
• Spends more time at sporting events or talking about sports than talking to me
• Is cheap/frugal
• Is a work-a-holic
• Egotistical, conceited, narcissistic -- there is only one demi-god in this relationship and I am it :-)
• Rude, unkind (to humans and/or animals), ignorant, irrational, ill-mannered people
• Icky teeth and hygiene
• Unhealthy people who don't care about their fitness
•  I uploaded 7 photos of me taken in the last 6-10 month

With my criteria set for men in any state between the ages of 40-50, let's see what the system comes up with. I'm hoping for the best but prepared for the worst!